Tuesday October 7, 2014
9:52 AM: They show me to a big room at the end of the hallway and instruct me, like all the other days, to strip everything waist down and put the sheet over my legs. I wish Jamie was here. She just texted me that she’s only about 5 minutes away, but I wish she was here now. I always feel so awkward. I am slowly losing all sense of privacy when it comes to my body – during these baby-making months I guess I just have to throw inhibitions aside…but that doesn’t make it any less weird.
I finally get all set. I grab my phone and my glasses from my bag and sit down on the giant reclining table. The nurse left a few papers for me to read over so I start to read. The more I sit in this quiet room, the more I feel the anxiety creeping over me. It starts to feel like I am in front of a huge crowd, about to give a major speech. I need to breathe.
Only a few minutes go by before I hear Jamie’s laughter in the hallway. I instantly feel myself calm down. She walks in with the nurse, a huge smile across her face. She’s wearing the same shirt I am – Jinkx Monsoon and Major Scales in caricature form as “The Vaudevillains”. Jinkx is our favorite inspiration. She and Major Scales are such positive people and it’s that kind of positive energy we need with us today.
The nurse leaves for a bit and tells us that they’ll all be in soon for the big show. Jamie and I sit, giggling like silly school girls and listening to music (like Jinkx’s “What About Debbie?” and “Song to Come Home To”). Even in an awkward situation like this, Jamie can calm me right down.
10:13 AM: A small knock at the door says that the crew is here and this is going to happen! One of our docs comes in with some other assistants (who knows what their medical titles are – for laypeople like me basically anyone in a white coat is a doctor). They show us paperwork on our “specimen” and confirm with us all sorts of details. They also tell us that we have 15 million spermies in our vial! Let’s do some swimming!
They get me in my stirrups – a-thank-you – and get Duckie (as I refer to Mr. Speculum) into place. That took a while but long story short, it worked out. Meanwhile, Jamie is playing our favorite past-time tune of late: Duran Duran’s “Rio”. We recently became obsessed with the song after the drag queen Dina Martina performed it as part of her show. She is a hysterical drag personality and every time I hear that song now I can’t help but smile ear to ear. I’m not able to dance as I lay awkwardly on the table, but I’m pretending that I am spinning around our house belting the lyrics. Even the nurses in the room are chiming in, “Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand…”
They finally do all they need to do to get the little swimmers where they need to be. As they narrate the release of the sperm, I instruct the entire room to close their eyes and visualize the opening scenes of “Look Who’s Talking” because visualization is important. They all laugh and we sing the Beach Boys to make it feel more genuine. If I have to, I’ll get Bruce Willis in here….
10:24 AM: I’m told to remain reclined for the next 10 minutes. Everyone clears out and Jamie and I are left alone to continue our lip-syncing party. We closed out with listening to every song from the “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” soundtrack, making certain that the first possible moments of our possible future baby include the greatest songs ever written.
So now the wait begins. In 15 days, we could be freakin’ pregnant!!!!